HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOU ARE AT A CHICK FLICK: THE DANGER SIGNS
You never know, sometimes movie producers get one past the goalie and suddenly you are face to theater screen with a chick flick.
You didn't deserve it, but now you have just paid serious dough to watch a movie with no sex, violence or nudity. The mistake is a very painful reminder that you have to be more vigilant next time.
The first thing that you have to do is scope out the gender ratio at the theater. A disproportionate number of females in the lobby is a red flag.
A collection of sad-looking guys with these women is another apocalyptic sign.
Examine these guys a little closer before you buy a ticket. Do they look like they just walked up the stairs to a trap door while wearing a tight-fitting rope around their necks?
You have to look for non-verbal signs of acute distress from them, because they cannot speak. To do so would cause great harm to their own romantic goals, so they will not be able to warn you about what lies on the other side of that door. Beyond that door is every guy's nightmare, but the guys on a date can only warn you with the same dull glazed look found in trapped animals.
Who is in the movie? This may be the most important question of the day. Here's a current rule of thumb: If Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore or Kate Hudson are in the movie, there is almost a 100% chance of a chick flick. There is a herd of younger less famous starlets waiting to dethrone these older actresses, but right now these are the names with star power. Plus the junior chick flick army of actresses is still too nameless and generic for star power. But any of these women can ruin your movie in a big way.
The whole appeal of a chick flick to women is romance with reformed bad boys. Eventually these guys are going to undergo a transformation from a slightly insensitive rogue to an all-out gelding. Nowhere in the movie are you going to be able to check out a famous and unclad Hollywood goddess in the two hours that will be ripped without remorse from your life.
Instead you will find out the painful truth that chick flicks are all about relationships and a lot of verbal fencing between the fully clothed female lead and some guy playing a caricature of a guy. Names like Hugh Grant and Matthew McCaugnahey are generally part of this hellish concoction of chick flick guys. Hugh Grant got a little less marketable when he got arrested looking for a real life happy ending with a hooker, but these guys are still first stringers in chick flicks.
There is only one sliver of light in the darkness of a chick flick. Most of these movies use flavor of the week pop tart singers in their sound tracks. But occasionally a song by a musical god like Frank Sinatra is included in the movie. Cling to that musical moment like grim death my friends.
It may be enough to get you through this thing.
Jim Sutherland @mystarcollectorcar.com
COMMENTS
KEN:"your link is funny only because it is all too true.Keep up the good work, dude!"
DENNIS:"If a movie doesn't have "Aaahnold" The Terminator, Bruce Willis, "Sly" Stallone and Larry the Cable Guy in it, it's a "Chick Flick".
