REVEALED AT LAST: THE SEVEN STAGES OF A DRUNKEN NIGHT ON THE TOWN
The first stage is sobriety. Don't get used to this stage because it won't last. Things are pretty stable and there is no indication that your dignity will be a casualty during the evening. Everything is still ahead of you and your shirt is still tucked into your pants. Plus you are still wearing your pants.
The second stage is the happy hour. It may even occur during the actual post-work happy hour found in most bars in the early evening. Discount drinks keep everybody in a festive mood, and the mild buzz of alcohol is in an early pleasant stage inside your neural system. It's kind of a feel-good Woodstock moment. Too bad you can't stay here very long.
The third stage is the slightly uninhibited phase. The conversation gets a little bolder and the inner amateur comedians begin to reveal themselves. In some cases, the routines are actually quite funny- under ideal conditions. A little booze can actually loosen up shy people with a hidden gift of funny. This can be one of those "who knew that he (or she) was this funny?" moments. It's a shame this hidden talent will not survive the evening.
The fourth stage is the fork in the road. The road less traveled is Common Sense Boulevard where smart people realize that the risk of bad behavior looms on the horizon and it's time to go home. The usual path is another round of shots and let's get this party started. By now inhibitions have been drowned for good by the booze and there are very few restrictions on conversation topics.
The fifth stage is a little fuzzy. The evening has slipped into a dream-like phase where people cope with a battle between reality and a series of boozy episodes that don't connect very well. This may be a self-defense mechanism because most people do not want to remember everything that has happened after this point in the festivities.
The sixth stage is a lot fuzzier. You may have to rely upon the sober witnesses to fill in the blanks-and there will be a lot of blanks. There is no inner voice at this point. Anything that starts as a random thought in your brain will be released to the public in a Tourette's Syndrome machine gun full of verbal rounds. The only saving grace is that your speech habits will be compromised enough that people can't understand what you are saying anyways. It may even be enough to get you home in one piece if large angry people don't understand your insults.
The seventh stage is the last and worst stage. The best case scenario is that you wake up at home covered in puke and not blood. It means that somebody became your responsible guardian during a completely uncontrolled phase of your life. Before you passed out, you probably changed other peoples' opinions about you for life. They have seen that side of you that Captain Kirk talked about when he was split in two by a transporter mishap. One Kirk was meek, while the other animal-like Kirk was like you. Kirk had to watch- you didn't- but your behavior is now on your permanent record.
It may be time to move on to a new city or country if you hit stage seven.
COMMENTS
DENNIS:"Gave all that up in 1971, got tired of waking up in jail".
