BOOZEHOUND CHIMP SENT TO REHAB TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER

Zhora the Russian chimpanzee is an alcoholic. He probably won’t take the twelve step program, but this monkey is going to dry out, like it or not. And he would probably take a big pass on rehab- if he had a choice. A chimpanzee outside of a jungle has few if any freedoms of choice.

Except for public personal self-gratification and hurling body waste, the recreational choices are limited for captive monkeys.

Zhora was a circus chimp that followed the standard maturity program for male chimpanzees: He got meaner as he got older. A primate that could wipe out the biggest NFL player (steroids and all) in a bloody one-sided contest, is a dangerous monkey.

So Zhora got locked up in a zoo to protect puny humans. It looked a lot like a clear-cut win (human)-lose (chimp) situation for the unfortunate ape.

Then he discovered booze and cigarettes donated by generous human visitors to the zoo.

The zoo world also gave Zhora an active social life that resulted in several little Zhoras in the zoo. It looked like Zhora had won the lottery with his new zoo gig. Throw in the female companionship and he found monkey heaven. It didn’t last.

Zhora became a bad drunk. He was a noisy and aggressive booze beggar with a nicotine addiction. That is where Zhora lost control of (and access to) a pretty fair situation. So now Zhora has been banished to a new home; one without booze and cigarettes. The Amy Winehouse song about going to rehab is now the monkey’s personal blues song. And boy will he have the blues about this new twist in his life.

Call it Charlie Sheen syndrome.

In the long run, Zhora will be a better chimp for the experience. He will be clean and sober- well reasonably clean in a chimp sense, and he will lead a longer and healthier life.

One can only hope that the zoo people didn’t take female companionship away from Zhora.